A New Weapon in the Cuddle Wars

New product promises to make things AWKWARD after sex.

Do you love shopping, stuffing your feelings and passive-aggressive jabs? If the answer is “yes" times three, then I have great news: There's an awesome new product just for you! My After Sex Buddy ("for those moments when the moment is over" reads the tagline) is a novelty toy designed to be cuddled with -- post-sex. Heavily marketed to women, the stuffed animal-ish thing is microwavable to make it feel more, I don't know...lifelike?

Obviously, the "Buddy" is meant to be funny, but I can already tell you that I hate the kind of woman who will buy this (though I have no doubt plenty of women will). Here's why: Because the idea of a grown woman snuggling with a stuffed animal of any kind speaks to deep Daddy issues that I personally would not touch with a 10-foot pole. Because dropping passive-aggressive hints that you wish your man was more into post-coitus cuddling is a lame way to communicate, especially about something that really matters to you -- and lame enough that doing so makes you look like an idiot (see exhibits A, B, C and D). Because she should've married someone willing to compromise on something so basic and painless. Because it's infantile.

I could go on, but I can already tell that I sound like a bitter old man. Guilty and guilty. See? At least I own that shidt. What do you guys think?