Are You Married to a Bedroom Beast?

The Cover Hog

Species

: A spouse who unwittingly claims all blankets for themself.


How to tame:

Never attempt to wake the cover hog unless you want to be featured on

When Animals Attack!

To reclaim your covers, grab the blanket and turn your body like a human roller. Or, have two blankets under the duvet so the hog can't get their hooves on what's rightfully yours.




The Night Owl

Species

: A TV-watching, book-reading, lights-on menace to your sleep.


How to tame:

It's hard to keep a bird in a cage, but this one needs limits. Once you close your eyes, your night owl should be allowed to read or watch the tube for a limited time frame -- 15 minutes or less. Beyond that, they need to venture outside the bedroom and complete all activities in closed captioning (hint, hint).




The Hyena

Species:

A mate who won't stop snoring.


How to tame:

Gently nudging the hyena is allowed, as it can rouse the humming, wheezing, jabbering animal for temporary relief. For chronic snorers, try breathing strips or go to bed early so you're already asleep before the midnight howling begins. P.S. There's always the couch.




The Octopus

Species:

A hands-on touchy feeler who invades the coveted bed-space of their innocent, unsuspecting mate.


How to tame:

Sometimes a cuddle is just that. Your mate needs affection, but it doesn't have to last forever. Start the night off with five minutes of close hugs, a light massage, or a little hand-holding. The prize: The other person falls asleep, and eventually you can kick him to the curb and reclaim your space again. Zzzz...




The Stink Bug

Species:

This partner (let's face it, we're talking about you) finds great joy in creating smelly situations under the covers. The victim is often unaware and tricked into bed.


How to tame:

Have a good laugh and then grow up. Unless there's an illness behind the rumblings (or a spicy meal), ask that all gas be passed before entering the bedroom and an effort be made to aim out the blast with minimal disruption. Keep room spray handy and don't forget to say your prayers.



Get more relationship advice from the experts at The Nest.