Don’t Be That Old Boring Couple Before You’re Old and Boring

couple reading newspaper
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One man's opinion why you should get off your ass and go out before you're old and boring.

The First Transcontinental Railroad. Mount Rushmore. The Pyramid at Giza. All Herculean feats of human achievement that have one thing in common—they were easier to accomplish than getting a married couple out on a Friday night. Yes, few things in this world require as much prodding, pleading, and occasionally outright bribing than convincing two people steeped in wedded bliss to cross their threshold for a good old fashioned night on the town. It's almost as if Netflix holds some psychic power over anyone who's ever exchanged a vow.

It's not that married couples always refuse to leave the house, there is this thing called brunch, it's just that when any activity involves a whiff of adventure, or worse, has the stink of something a single person would do, married people tend to disappear like rain in California. Which is poor planning if you ask me. And for one simple reason: kids.

I'm at an age where most of my friends are married with kids. And, like an anthropologist, I've studied them, studied their phases. Here's what I've learned: kids ruin everything. Oh, sure, there's that fulfillment crap, and yes, they probably do make you a better person. And, you know, perpetuation of the species and all of that. But in terms of pure, unadulterated, totally selfish fun-seeking behavior, kids are an undeniable bummer.

Which is why staying at home while you're young and married is an absolute crime. Think about it, you've hit the lifestyle sweet spot and you're wasting it on Downton Abbey? Single people may have their freedom and all of that theoretical sexual variety, but they also have crippling existential angst over dying alone. Go out to any singles bar and you will be able to cut the desperation in the air with a knife. When you're young and married, however, you don't have to worry about that. You've got a guaranteed date for Friday night. And despite popular opinion, sex is way more likely. And, you'll be waking up the following morning next to a person you actually want to spend the day with.

So stop being old and boring before you're old and boring. You'll have more than enough opportunity to not do anything fun as you get older. Decades of it, in fact. Of course, that doesn't mean you have to go completely mental with your free time. The fact that you're older and wiser means that you no longer have to pretend to like weekend-long desert raves. It's just that you should get out of the house and do something. Especially if it's something you haven't done before. Like rock climbing, or that pretentious new craft cocktail lounge, or a concert in the park, anything, as long as it doesn't involve typing a password into your laptop. Just do as Thoreau did and, “live deep and suck the marrow out of life."


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